a purge

so i don't write tons about my job on here. for a variety of reasons. but mainly because really the only people who like to talk english teacher stuff are, well, other english teachers. and also - i don't know if you know this or not - but when a teacher gets going, they can really get going and some might perceive such "venting" as "whining" and that really isn't the case at all. for me anyway.

most of the time.

but for the sake of honesty, let's just say this hasn't been the easiest year for me when it comes to doing what i normally do best - connecting with my kiddos. and i know that everybody has years like this. ebb and flow and all of that. it's just, i HAVEN'T for a long long long time (like maybe since 2001-2002?). and for me, if i don't feel like i'm connecting then i also don't feel like i'm teaching at the same level that i hold myself up to. and for a perfectionist (don't laugh. i hide it very well.) that is extremely hard to deal with. so my reaction hasn't been probably the best one i could have. i feel myself pulling further away from my kids instead of working to build relationships. and i also find myself blaming my students - for being too cynical, for not being very open, for being apathetic . . .

and then the guilt sets in because i have three weeks like i've just had. when every. single. day. i learn something new about a different student. and yall, these new pieces of knowledge are things i wish i didn't have to know. simply because NO child should have to have these experiences in their story. and again, for the sake of honesty, there's nothing i can do to FIX anything. and THAT is hard to admit.

why am i writing about this today? i don't really know. other than maybe it is a means to explain why i haven't been writing much of the fluff lately? it seems trite to hear what i hear during the day and then come home and write about slicing my finger while cutting tomatoes or to write about my new obsession with napping . . .

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and even though they aren't really connected, but are somewhat related, i guess now is the time to address something else: hopefully in the next few months i'll be able to tell you i am employed in oklahoma. cuz yep. it's time to get on the road again. most of you who read this already knew this was coming, but nothing's a secret now. i've let the appropriate people at work know, so now i feel like i can freely share all job-related anxiety with the "masses." i am in the process of retrieving all of my transcripts (note to the young'uns - DON'T TAKE SUMMER SCHOOL FROM A DIFFERENT COLLEGE EVERY SUMMER) in order to process my oklahoma certification. i'll find out about my test on march 6 and will have another chance to retake it if i need to in april. so. if you are a pray-er please keep this whole job hunt thing in mind. i'm ready to be closer to my family (hi ica and j and k!) and my okies and to have season tickets to osu football (yes. a little facetious here. but not much.). this is a decision i'm very confident in. as you can tell from above, i'm probably in need of a change.