let's try this again.....

so here’s the deal.  taking a break from the blogging stuff - way back in, oh what was it?  april? – seeeeeeeeeeeeeeemed like a fabulous idea at the time.  but now it’s, um, turning september in less than 8 hours and there’s hardly been a blip on the screen from me.

i’d make some excuses here, but really?  i just didn’t want to write.  no offense to anyone who cares that much.  (and yeah, if you do, chill, plz?  ‘k.  thx.)  A LOT happened this summer.  some spectacular stuff, some funny stuff, and some pretty stressful stuff.  and it’s all stored somewhere deep and comfortable in the caverns of my brain.  and maybe someday i’ll write about some of it and bore you with my ramblings then.  but for now….i’m just going to start with today.

because today i got to analyze testing data.  all.  day.  long.  after i spent the entire week last week doing the same thing (on my own, mind you.  who says i ain’t a self-starter?).  i finally had to laugh to myself because who knew that looking at numbers and state reading objectives could make a girl soooooo incredibly homesick.  because that is what happened.  and those of you from the life i just moved away from will get a kick out of this: i missed data groups.  and continuous improvement.  and, dare I say it?  okay.  i'll whisper it...taks.  (if you are reading this and suddenly feel clueless, please don’t fret.  your justifiable ignorance - a word i use with only the most POSITIVE connotation - really is a strong indicator that i should have a life away from those three things.  because seriously?  they should not be the topics of 94.6% of my conversations.)

please laugh now.

trust me…..this nostalgic feeling will fade very quickly.  as in, just because i got all misty-eyed at how much easier all of this use to be for me, it doesn’t mean it’s worth it to come back to. 

and maybe…..maybe it was just easier today to admit that i missed the “easiness” of the Texas numbers game (seriously.  i heart the okies, but they need to get some of their shit together when it comes to this) instead of the people.  because somedays it’s harder to explain why i left them.

to them... 

...and to myself.

while you were out . . .

in case you didn't know, i took a break from blogging while i was searching for a job.  (what?  yep.  totally did.  i haven't blogged since march 1.)  i think there was some sort of professional reason i did, but i'm gonna pretend it was for the betterment of humanity and say i totally saved you from having to read my constant fretting about not knowing WHAT ON EARTH WAS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE.  but now i've got more of a clue.  about at least one thing.  so that's nice.  you don't have to read my whining.

here's a run down of things i probably would have blogged about if i had been blogging . . . 

1.  i am on probation now.  like for serious.  i turned right on red. got a ticket.  paid the ticket.  and am now on probation because it keeps the ticket off my record (i.e. won't up my insurance for something INCREDIBLY STUPID) as long as i don't get another ticket between now and july 1.  but c'mon.  i sound incredibly tuff (that's right.  i spelled it wrong.  and what?) saying i'm on probation, right?  grrrr.

2.  same police department.  different officer - pulled out of the police station right into me.  seriously.  right in front of him.  the result: i got to drive around in a dodge charger for about 2 weeks, which totally upped the whole tuffness thing mentioned above as i generally drive around in my sexy civic.  also, the body shop that dealt with my car has magic skills in vacuuming dog hair out of said sexy civic.

3.  lucy lived in oklahoma for the last month.  life was empty.  (and not as a hairy.)

4.  why to number 3?  because since spring break, i have driven back and forth between dfw and okc 7 times.  7 times.  on i-35.  ON I-35.  dude.  if you don't get why this is awfulness defined - feel blessed.

5.  went to austin.  stuffed my face.  here, here and here.  spent some money.  here and here.  bought the shoes below.  um, yeah.  LOVE them.  and hung out with my girls cody, erin, and ica.  (plus new friend holly from canada who has never had a corn dog.  crazy.)

6.  held baby ben.  but not as much as i'd like.

7.  got a mullet.  not intentionally.  i've kind of adjusted to looking like billy ray before miley came along.

8.  have learned how to function with limited mobility in my left knee.  dr. lissa (my friend the pediatrician whom i may or may not use for free medical advice) is now refusing to diagnose me since i told her i referred to her as "my doctor" when explaining to the school nurse why i kept sending students down to get ice for me one day.  apparently i am too old for a pediatrician?  discrimination, right?

9.  talked about how amazing i am to lots of people who pretended to care.  :)  i kid, i kid.  but holy crap.  this job application/interview thing is killer.  the other day during an interview i almost said "no shit!" in response to a statement.  i think that means i've hit a disturbing comfort level with the whole interview process, don't you?

10.  so it's probably good that i got a job today.  especially good since i resigned from my current job 3 days ago.  faith yall.  i try to have it.  but yeah.  job.  YAY.  doing what i want to do.  even more of a YAY.  

and now my 6-week intimate relationship with cardboard boxes and packing tape is set to begin.  i will of course be sharing that hotness with yall.

a purge

so i don't write tons about my job on here. for a variety of reasons. but mainly because really the only people who like to talk english teacher stuff are, well, other english teachers. and also - i don't know if you know this or not - but when a teacher gets going, they can really get going and some might perceive such "venting" as "whining" and that really isn't the case at all. for me anyway.

most of the time.

but for the sake of honesty, let's just say this hasn't been the easiest year for me when it comes to doing what i normally do best - connecting with my kiddos. and i know that everybody has years like this. ebb and flow and all of that. it's just, i HAVEN'T for a long long long time (like maybe since 2001-2002?). and for me, if i don't feel like i'm connecting then i also don't feel like i'm teaching at the same level that i hold myself up to. and for a perfectionist (don't laugh. i hide it very well.) that is extremely hard to deal with. so my reaction hasn't been probably the best one i could have. i feel myself pulling further away from my kids instead of working to build relationships. and i also find myself blaming my students - for being too cynical, for not being very open, for being apathetic . . .

and then the guilt sets in because i have three weeks like i've just had. when every. single. day. i learn something new about a different student. and yall, these new pieces of knowledge are things i wish i didn't have to know. simply because NO child should have to have these experiences in their story. and again, for the sake of honesty, there's nothing i can do to FIX anything. and THAT is hard to admit.

why am i writing about this today? i don't really know. other than maybe it is a means to explain why i haven't been writing much of the fluff lately? it seems trite to hear what i hear during the day and then come home and write about slicing my finger while cutting tomatoes or to write about my new obsession with napping . . .

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and even though they aren't really connected, but are somewhat related, i guess now is the time to address something else: hopefully in the next few months i'll be able to tell you i am employed in oklahoma. cuz yep. it's time to get on the road again. most of you who read this already knew this was coming, but nothing's a secret now. i've let the appropriate people at work know, so now i feel like i can freely share all job-related anxiety with the "masses." i am in the process of retrieving all of my transcripts (note to the young'uns - DON'T TAKE SUMMER SCHOOL FROM A DIFFERENT COLLEGE EVERY SUMMER) in order to process my oklahoma certification. i'll find out about my test on march 6 and will have another chance to retake it if i need to in april. so. if you are a pray-er please keep this whole job hunt thing in mind. i'm ready to be closer to my family (hi ica and j and k!) and my okies and to have season tickets to osu football (yes. a little facetious here. but not much.). this is a decision i'm very confident in. as you can tell from above, i'm probably in need of a change.